A long time ago, a friend asked that I put together a study on what the Bible says about the husband’s role. Well, here is it. It’s brief, there’s so much more that others would say, and, quite frankly, I write from having absolutely ZERO experience – so, here it is, thought it might encourage some of you

To begin… 

When was marriage created, and why?

Genesis 2:18
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

I know you’re very aware of this verse, but what I find very interesting is that this is the first instance where God says his creation is “not good” – before this, he was very pleased with it all. So when did things stop being “good”?

What is “not good” is man’s loneliness and lack of companionship, which actually seems odd, doesn’t it? Adam, because he had not yet sinned, had unobstructed access to God, unhindered intimacy, yet still God essentially says, “There is a need in man that I will not, or choose not to meet, and will therefore give him companionship outside of myself because it is not good for him to be alone (with me only).”

Controversial, but I don’t think it cheapens God, I think, rather, it shows God’s intention for men and women to have intimacy with one another, and I think he recognizes that we have needs which he has chosen not to meet in the relationship we have with him. Or, in another sense, God meets our need through providing us with companionship in a spouse.

Furthermore, because Eve was taken from Adam’s flesh, it is for this reason “that a man will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, so that they will become one flesh.”

So far, marriage happens when the two become one flesh (this imagery is sexual, half her genes and half his genes become one child. This is not to say they are not one flesh until they have a child, it’s just using the concept to explain how deep the intimacy is) – the only requirement given so far is that the man would leave his father and mother. In the Hebrew world, this was understood to mean that a man was not qualified for marriage until he was financially stable enough on his own that he could actually make this move and exist independently from his father and mother, while also sustaining a wife.

God would like that we be married, I think. However, I think it would be sad if someone took this for granted. There is a sense of entitlement, and Matt, who has lots of experience, tells me that entitlement is the cause of a lot of marital conflict. 

The husband might think he is entitled to a wife, that she exists just for his benefit and then he might expect things from her so that she fits HIS definition of a wife, however the husband is supposed to help his wife become the Biblical definition of wife. (I’ll get into that later).

The wife is a gift:
Proverbs 18:22
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives  favor from the Lord.

Proverbs 19:14
Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

Proverbs 31:10
How rare to find a wife of valor, Her worth is far beyond rubies.

A wife is always a gift and blessing, but there is also a kind that is unbearable:

Proverbs 19:13
A foolish son is his father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.

Proverbs 21:9
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 21:19
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.

~
You know how people speak of the Proverbs 31 woman? Both the woman of Proverbs and the Man of this next Psalm are described in an acrostic poem of the Hebrew Alphabet. There could be a parallel in that, but really it’s just a very popular literary style for languages that passed information through oral tradition.

Either way I’d suggest this as a pattern after which men should live their lives as well – the themes clearly parallel with the Proverbs 31 woman too:

Psalm 112
1Praise the LORD. 
Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, 
who finds great delight in his commands.
2 His children will be mighty in the land; 
the generation of the upright will be blessed.
3 Wealth and riches are in his house, 
and his righteousness endures forever.
4 Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, 
for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.
5 Good will come to him who is generous and lends
freely, 
who conducts his affairs with justice.
6 Surely he will never be shaken; 
a righteous man will be remembered forever.
7 He will have no fear of bad news; 
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
8 His heart is secure, he will have no fear; 
in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.
9 He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor, 
his righteousness endures forever; 
his horn [d] will be lifted high in honor.
10 The wicked man will see and be vexed, 
he will gnash his teeth and waste away; 
the longings of the wicked will come to nothing.

- He is a man who fears God, cares about justice and charity, and enjoys the Word.

So, now to get to the question, what is the Biblical Role of the husband?

Ephesians 5
21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Submit is “hupotasso” in Greek
Hupo – under
Tasso – arrange

“To arrange oneself under”.
Though it was a military term used in the context of arranging troops under a commanding officer it was also used in a non-military sense to communicate a voluntary attitude of “giving in”, or assuming responsibility, or carrying a burden, or cooperating.

Essentially it means that we need to put others first and be humble enough to allow others to direct us. The same word is used in the next verse

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is
the head of the church, his body, of which he is the
Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also
wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

That the husband is given this role is extremely terrifying to me. If he’s screwy, then he’s not only ruining his own path but also the path of the woman he is supposed to love. 

He IS the leader however, which means he needs to be sure he’s closer to God than he’s ever thought he was. That God is entrusting a woman to his leadership should scare him a little bit – the immensity of the task should drive him to his knees in an even more obsequious dependence on Christ. He cannot only be a well-studied Christian who admires God for His complexities and beautiful characteristics, he must also become better at imitating him. 

That God would entrust anyone to me, should he ever bless me with a wife, is a humbling task for which I will never be qualified unless I do it through his strength. On top of that, I’d have to seriously ask myself, “Honestly, am I someone who should be followed?” If no, I need rethink the whole thing and seek a radical transformation of my own attitudes and Christian practice. This might seem really daunting, and it’s because the task is. But at the same time, the husband will never be perfect. He only needs to be perfecting. God strengthens us to live as we need to. The good husband, though he might be discouraged by his failure in his task can be encouraged by God’s grace and sanctification in his life.

Also understand that she will naturally question his authority and have the inclination to NOT submit to his leadership.

Genesis 3:16
To the woman he said,  “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;  with pain you will give birth to children.  Your desire will be for your husband,  and he will rule over you.”

What does it mean that she would “desire her husband”? Is it sexual? I think it’s laconic, as Jewish literature almost always is, and the meanings are deep and multiple – this word CAN be sexual, but I think it’s also intended to parallel with a use that comes in the next chapter:

Genesis 4:6-7
6 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it DESIRES to have you, but you must master it.”

The Hebrew word is identical and is used only one other time in Song of Songs to describe romantic longing.

Sin desires to control us but we must master it. The wife will desire – be naturally inclined – to control
her husband (and also have sexual desire for him – double meaning) but he is the leader. 

The husband also needs to understand that this will be a real sin issue in the life of his wife, and he needs to be gentle with her, and understanding, and still needs to stand in patience and kindness when she opposes him. Paul explains love quite clearly, and it is telling that the first thing he writes of Love is that is it “long-suffering” – 1 Cor 13 – the husband ought to examine this whole “Love passage” in relation to his own attitudes as often as possible in order to see whether or not he does love his wife, to see if he is leading her with the kind of character that is characteristic of love. Is he patient, is he kind, is he rude, self-seeking, vengeful, or keeping a record of wrongs? How is he loving his wife, then?

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 

This is a passage, as Paul explains in 32, that is actually a mystery discussing Christ and the church. Some then say we are not supposed to apply this to marriage as marriage is only the illustration Paul is using here to describe the church’s relationship with Christ. However, his concluding thought in verse 33 seems to be enough to suggest that there IS a double meaning throughout the whole illustration. This passage is to be taken both ways, One as an outline of marriage, Two as an illustration of our relation to Christ, and the illustrations play off one another in order that we can better understand what is meant. 

So, the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. It would be prudent then to study the Gospels and the New Testament to know exactly how Christ has loved the church and sacrificed himself for her – and for the husband to then ask himself if his love for his wife is as equally selfless – even though she might not deserve it, no, ESPECIALLY if she doesn’t deserve it. In view of our sins, have we ever deserved Christ’s sacrifice? 

26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 

Here’s where the task actually scares me the most. The husband is now involved in the sanctifying process of his wife. He is called to sanctify her in the same way that Christ sanctifies the church. How has this sanctification happened? There are many ways through which we are sanctified, but here, specifically, the one addressed is a washing with water “through the word”

To be honest, this is where I kind of think about myself, “I have no right to presume I can do this… I constantly drop the ball in my own sanctification and if married I would be responsible for the sanctification of a woman as well?”

Since sanctification happens by the work of the Holy Spirit (2 Thess 2:13 and 1 Peter 1:2), and by the
power of the Word (Heb 4:12, Eph 5:26) the husband needs to, himself, seek out sanctification in his own life more ardently, and then humbly accept the task of aiding the Spirit in sanctifying his wife and leading her in her spirituality through scripture. Notice here that Christ does it through a washing with the word. The husband needs to seek an extensive understanding and knowledge of scripture so that he can help guide her to be more scriptural. I don’t think this means he is to harangue her with scriptures to make her change, instead he should teach her in the same way that all who teach are supposed to teach: with gentleness (2 Timothy 2:24-26) hoping that God will do the work. Also, realize, there will be lots of times when the wife will teach the husband in ways that no minister, friend, or theologian ever could. 

28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body.

The husband, on a power trip, might abuse her submission to him, he might demand her obedience, he might claim he is the leader and he might do all of this only for his own selfish gain. He might say he is sanctifying his wife in making her more submissive to him, when in actuality, his desire is not to make her more Christ-like or godly, but instead to abuse her “godliness” for his own convenience. It is GOOD that the wife would be more kind to him, more helpful, more humble, more loving, more sexually intimate, but does he want her to be these things so it is better for him, or so that she becomes more like Christ? His highest calling as a husband is to sanctify her and love her – his calling is not to take from her what he wants. Therefore, as the husband sanctifies the wife, it is out of love for HER, it is out of care for HER, he feeds her, and looks on her with the same exact concern and love that Christ has in relation to the church. If you want to know just what kind of selfless, self-sacrificing, considerate love he had, read John 15 – This is the way the husband is to interact with his wife.

He does not sanctify her for his own gain – in the same way, he should not lead her in the opposite
direction. He should not inspire her to sin for his own gain, nor should he do things that he knows exasperate her, anger her, or frustrate her if it is for his own entertainment or pleasure or if he is trying to manipulate her or to twist her into something he wants. He should ask, “What does God want?” The husband is to find this out and do his best to remove his own selfish ambitions in helping her become what God wants – in truth, this is BETTER FOR THE HUSBAND. “He who loves his wife loves himself” - that is, He who loves her in the way Christ loves, loves himself. There is no better way for the husband to increase his pleasure as a husband, than to selflessly help his wife become the kind of biblical woman and wife she needs to be.

A few weeks ago I heard a sermon at a wedding and the minister said something that I thought was brilliant. “The best gifts you can give to one another as man and wife are not in backrubs, or long walks, or cute dates, or candle-lit dinners, or sweet thoughtful notes, the best gift you can give to your spouse is that you would become more sanctified unto Christ.” 

In other words, there is no better gift a man can give his wife than to become a better man.

31″For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

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What about sexuality?

Proverbs 5
15 Drink water from your own cistern, 
running water from your own well.
16 Should your springs overflow in the streets, 
your streams of water in the public squares?
17 Let them be yours alone, 
never to be shared with strangers.
18 May your fountain be blessed, 
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer— 
may her breasts satisfy you always, 
may you ever be captivated by her love.
20 Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? 
Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?
21 For a man’s ways are in full view of the LORD, 
and he examines all his paths.

Hebrews 13:4
4Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Passionate sexuality between man and wife, glorifies God. Note: God invented orgasms. So I say, explore and have a lot of fun, but stick to your own cistern. When trying to define the limits of what a husband is allowed to be doing with other women – befriending them, flirting with them, spending time with them – his wife will instruct him on what she is comfortable with. And since his relationship with his wife is the MOST important human relationship – more so than his relationship to his parents, children, pastors, friends, students – he should be willing to make sacrifices in lesser relationships in order to protect his most important relationship. 

1 Corinthians 7
1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. 2But since there is so much
immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his own wife, and each woman her own husband.

The husband is to become a student of his wife’s sexuality, he is to draw out her fantasies, and give his body to her as she wants it. So should she do the same for him. But at the same time, there needs to be caution here. Her body is his, but so is his body hers, they have desires for one another that the other should try to fulfill. His body is hers, a gift to her, so instead of seeking out how his own sexual desires can be met, he should think foremost about how he can meet hers – how can he make his body a gift to her? In the same way, she should think foremost of his sexual desires. If each is looking for ways to sexually fulfill the other, instead of ways to take sexually from the other, both will be fulfilled. But this takes a lot of selflessness.

However, there should be some caution. They should not be doing things to one another’s bodies that either of them are not comfortable with. Sexuality is a beautiful thing in marriage, extremely special, that can draw the man and wife together in their whole marriage in ways that do not happen in other non-sexual relationships or friendships. It makes them one flesh. At the same time, understand that many marriages are hurt due to sexual reasons. Through pressure, and manipulation in sexuality, some husbands have lost their sense of safety with their wife, and some women have been uncomfortable and hurt by their husbands, and then develop a bad taste for the intimacy, and reject it – if the man or wife cannot trust their spouse completely in this most intimate setting, how might that tarnish their relationship as a whole? So there needs to be selflessness in sexuality just as there is in the whole relationship.

The husband CAN look at the scriptures and gripe, saying, “The wife is supposed to be a good wife, and give me her body, and is not to deprive me of sexuality. Doesn’t she know Satan is tempting me?” But why does he say this? Only for his own sexual gratification? Or because he wants to see her sanctified and become the wife God wants her to be? See how there are two different motivations there? The Biblical Husband wants foremost that his wife would be godly.

The standard of self-sacrifice that the husband is meant to meet is the sacrifice of Christ on the cross. It’s a tall order.

Final random thought: it’s interesting that the reason he gives for “depriving one another” is in order to devote to prayer. Understand that there are times in marriage where prayer will be so necessary that it is needed to postpone the distraction of sexuality in order that both man and wife can pursue more intimacy with God. But then again, Paul assumes there is a weak self-control so this needs to be temporary.

That’s all I can really think of, really, on the husband’s role in marriage. I know this has been brief, but I hope it was helpful, and I hope we can have a discussion on it so that we’ll both have a better understanding.

Hope you were blessed,
Ben